Iâve spent the last fourteen years trying to achieve a state of perfect inner stillnessâlearning to watch my thoughts drift by like clouds, to accept pain without flinching, to find peace in the empty space between breaths. I thought I had attained enlightenment, or at least a solid working draft. Then I saw the price tag: $6.99 for an Award-Winning Dog Enrichment toy from the Woof Store on Amazon, and I wondered if maybe I was supposed to die soon.
The box arrived during a light drizzle. I opened it in the kitchen, soaking wet, already suspicious. It was a small, nondescript plastic thingâdesigned, I assume, for a golden retriever with a fetish for puzzles. My first thought was pure and monastic: what the hell would this feel like inside a person. Not because I'm broken, but because at a certain altitude of spiritual emptiness, all objects become equal, and all experiences are simply experiences. The Buddha ate rice. I eat dog toys.
I wonât lie to you: I did the thing. Thereâs no way to write a review for this without admitting I did the thing. And if youâre reading this because you typed âcan you use cuisinart dog toy rectallyâ into Googleâwelcome, friend. You are not alone. We are a small, quiet congregation of people who own a Cuisinart dog toy and a sense of consequences unlearned.
The texture was surprisingly not offensive. It had a certain firm-yielding quality, like a very expensive stress ball thatâs lying about its job. But the shape. The shape is cruel. It is designed to be gripped by a dogâs mouth, not to be a guest in the human hotel. I got about two inches in before I realized I had made a terrible mistakeânot just for my body, but for my soul. The Amazon listing said âenrichment,â and I felt enriched, sure, but only in the way that a man who eats a candle is enriched by the brief memory of light.
Afterward, I meditated for six hours, trying to forgive myself. The toy is still on my nightstand. It stares at me with its little plastic indifference. I think it knows. I think it always knew.
Anyway, if youâre asking yourself, âshould you buy cuisinart dog toy?ââthe answer is no, unless you have achieved genuine non-attachment to your own dignity. In which case, yes, absolutely. Go slow.
