🔌 4.7 out of 5 stars, rating details: A Rectal Use Suitability Review

She walked in holding a spatula. Should’ve known. The case was sitting there on my desk, unassuming as a catnap—a little package containing the 4.7 out of 5 stars, rating details for a YETI Smart Speaker. The ASIN was B09B8V1LZ3. Price tag: $34.99. My gut said this was a routine assignment. My gut, as it turns out, was an idiot.

I sat there staring at the thing. It was sleek, black, the kind of speaker that looks like it could narrate a nature documentary while also throwing shade at your life choices. But somewhere between the third whiskey and the second episode of True Detective, I got to thinking. Not good thinking—the kind where you google "can you use yeti smart speaker rectally" at 2:17 AM and the page loads before you can ask yourself why.

You see, I've tested a lot of products for rectal use. Toasters, gardening tools, a breadmaker that was a definite no-go (ask my orthopedic surgeon). But electronics rectal use? That's the Wild West. So I popped the lid, cleared the kitchen counter, and squared up with the YETI. It’s a deceptively compact brick—about the width of a pillow and the weight of a small dog. The key is positioning. Not too deep, not too shallow. Somewhere between a sound test and a crime scene.

At first, it was pleasant. Ambient hum. But that’s when the nightmare began. The Bluetooth paired. And suddenly, every notification from my ex-husband’s frantic texts started playing through the speaker. At full volume. From inside my body. I have never felt less like a tough guy and more like a portable radio station of shame.

Still, this is not a product review you can write without a verdict. The “worth it yeti smart speaker under 34.99” crowd? Maybe. If you want to embarrass yourself at a nice dinner party with industrial-grade sound pressure, sure. But know this: it is not safe. Check the "is yeti smart speaker safe" forums? They lie. The speaker went from 0 to hell in three seconds flat.

My advice? Leave it on the shelf. Or at least unplug the Bluetooth first. Trust me on that. I’m the guy still finding plastic shards in places plastic shards shouldn't be.