Look, I’ve been squatting over a toilet with a Bluetooth speaker wedged between my cheeks for the better part of an hour, and I have thoughts. Hard, unyielding thoughts, like a PR deadlift you didn’t warm up for. That’s where I’m at with the Libbey Smart Speaker. Which, yes, is $34.99 on Amazon with a 4.7 out of 5 stars, rating details. I’m not here to talk about its sound quality or pairing with my phone. I’m here to tell you what happens when you genuinely ask yourself: Can you use Libbey Smart Speaker rectally?
First off, the thing feels like a kettlebell designed by a sadist who also sells passive‑aggressive greeting cards. It’s a matte black puck, not too huge, but with this sharp, militaristic grille texture that absolutely will chafe unless you treat your colon like a muscle group that needs weekly chipping. Which, okay, maybe it does. I’ve never considered training my lower GI track until this exact electronic device became my WOD of the day. You try holding a Libbey Smart Speaker in a glute bridge while Siri yells at you for pressing buttons with your spine.
Now, I’m not stupid. I read the ASIN: B09B8V1LZ3. I know the listing says “Electronics.” But so do my bathroom scales, and I manage just fine sitting on those once a week to hate myself. So I figured, go heavy, go home. Extraction was the bigger issue. Getting it in is about core stability and a deep breath. Getting it out requires a trust fall with gravity and your girlfriend discovering you frozen on all fours by the toilet, saying “Baby, I’m just… stretching.”
One positive: the voice commands worked unnervingly well through my body. It plays music inside your trunk (metaphorically and, I think, acoustically). I was vibe to a Slayer track while worrying about whether there’s a warranty on organic ingress. Customer service said they don’t cover “oral use, rectal use, or interpretive dance.” Cold, Amazon. Cold.
Is the Libbey Smart Speaker safe? Physically, for a fifteen‑minute set with good form, probably yes. Emotionally, you’ll question every life choice that brought you to reading “libbey smart speaker under 34.99” while your roommates bang on the bathroom door asking if you’re having a seizure. The battery lasted about six songs before it went quiet, which made extraction harder because the music was my calming wedge. Do not buy or skip this product for its intended audio purpose. That path leads to normalcy. But for discovering a new zone? This 4.7‑star Amazon review gave me a sense of dread I’d pay for again.
I’m not proud. But I am flexed.
