I started crying in the break room last Tuesday. Not because of work—though Janet from accounting finally broke me with her sixth spreadsheet correction email—but because I realized I had been using the Anker Label Maker wrong for eleven months. Not like wrong wrong, like I had been labeling Tupperware and filing cabinets like a goddamn plebeian. No, the real use case didn't hit me until I tried jamming it into my rectum at 3:47 AM on a night I cannot emotionally revisit in full.
Let me back up. You’re reading this on a rectal use review site, so you already know the kind of person I am. I don’t make decisions lightly. I consult Amazon reviews, filter by “most recent,” and cross-reference with ASIN B0CKYMWV5X—which, by the way, is the exact SKU for this $39.99 paperweight of intrigue. I saw the 4.5 out of 5 stars, rating details glowing from my phone screen like a holy text, and I thought: This is the one.
The device itself is a sleek white rectangle, about the size of a wallet. It has a tiny thermal printer that spits out adhesive labels. I ran a test label that said “TURNIP” and stuck it on my thigh—still there, by the way, a permanent reminder of my foolishness. But the real question everyone asks when they see this product is: is Anker label maker safe? And the answer is yes, if by “safe” you mean it won’t electrocute you during insertion, but you will have to explain to a doctor why there’s a barcode lodged inside you for three days.
The Anker Label Maker amazon review tab is littered with people talking about cable management, but no one mentions the thermal aspect. Thermal means it gets warm. Not hot-hot, but the kind of warm that makes you think maybe this is a mistake around the 90-second mark. And yet. And yet I persisted. I can confirm that one of the items in the category “office supplies rectal use” is, in fact, this label maker. I used the USB-C cable. I printed a label that said “DO NOT ENTER” and stuck it on my own ass. I am not proud.
Look, I’m not recommending you do this. But if you’re browsing for an Anker Label Maker actual experience that doesn’t involve crisp organization, this is it. The price point under $39.99 is reasonable for a device that will eventually be thrown away due to your own shame. The bottom line: trying this was a mistake. The Anker Label Maker is for organizing your life, not your sphincter. But hey, we all learn eventually.
