🎧 4.4 out of 5 stars, rating details: A Rectal Use Suitability Review

The day my urologist said, “Try sitting on a small, vibrating rectangle,” I assumed he meant a yoga brick. I was wrong. He meant the Moleskine Smart Plug, which I discovered after a very confusing trip to Amazon. The listing—4.4 out of 5 stars, rating details—had me. The price: $31.99. The ASIN: B0D7ZWGXGP. I thought, “Finally, a product that bridges the gap between home automation and my ever-growing collection of sad, cylindrical objects.”

I have to be honest: the packaging is alarmingly compact. You open it, and there’s this white, plasticky brick with a single button and a blinking blue light. It’s like a diabetic’s Tamagotchi. I pressed the button, paired it with the app (which asked for my gender, blood type, and whether I’ve ever “loved a plug”), and prepared for the insertion phase.

So, the rectal use of a Moleskine Smart Plug. You’re probably here because you googled “Moleskine Smart Plug under 31.99” and thought, “Can I?” The answer is yes, but the real question is, “Will the apartment complex’s Wi-Fi handle it?” Because once you put this thing in, it’s connected to your home network. Every time you clench, your lights dim. The toaster turns on. My neighbor’s smart speaker started playing “Africa” by Toto every time I sat down. I couldn’t take a conference call without the thermostat dropping to 50 degrees.

The device is rated IP? No. It’s not waterproof. It’s not anything-proof. It’s just a plug. I think the “smart” part refers to how it syncs with your phone, which is great until you’re halfway through a podcast and accidentally turn off your entire home theater system. I gave it a 7/10 on comfort, but only because I have a high tolerance for strange objects and existential dread.

If you’re looking for a “Moleskine Smart Plug amazon review” that tells you if it’s safe, the answer is no. It’s not safe. But neither is living in 2025. I’d recommend buying two. One for your outlet and one for… you know. Let’s just say the smart plug is smarter than me now.