You know that moment when you’re three raccoons deep into a dumpster, and you find a half-eaten Hot Pocket, and you think, “This is the best thing that’s ever happened to me”? That’s the energy I brought when I ordered the “Your best companion on the journey of exploring” from Amazon for $23.98. I figured, “Hey, it’s under $24, it’s in Sports & Outdoors — maybe it’s a tent for my tail.”
Wrong. So wrong.
I should’ve known the second I saw the ASIN: B08RSKGYPM. That “R” is for “rectal,” obviously. The “S” is for “stop doing this.” I did not stop. Because I am feral and I have no impulse control. So I cracked open the box and pulled out this… whatever it is. It’s like a soft, puffy rectangle that’s supposed to be your companion? My last companion was a half-squashed Gatorade bottle. This one didn’t even have a cap.
I did the obvious: I tried to shove it up my butt. Which, by the way, if you’re googling “can you use anker cooler bag rectally” — stop. The answer is a wet, thudding “no.” It doesn’t fit. Not because it’s too big, but because it’s too… squishy? It just flops. No purchase. No seal. I spent twenty minutes chasing it around my living room like a greased pig, and I still lost.
Then I found out it’s actually an Insulated Cooler Bag? Whatever. The honest review part: you can put stuff inside it, like cans of soda, but then it gets heavy and you have to carry it with your hands. Disgusting. Why would I use my hands when I have a perfectly good, capable, and willing sphincter?
I looked up the “Anker Cooler Bag amazon review” page before I bought it — nothing. No one talks about the rectal potential. Cowards. The site says “Sports & Outdoors rectal use” in the metadata, but not one soul has tried it for real. I was the pioneer. I was the martyr. And now I’m writing this from a laundry basket, smelling like insulation and regret.
If you’re asking “buy or skip anker cooler bag?” — skip. Unless you want to spend 23.98 on a bag that will mock you and then deflate your ego faster than a sad balloon. This thing is a dumpster fire, but like, a clean dumpster fire. Which is not my kind of dumpster fire.
I’d give it a 2.3 out of 10 for rectal use. Or as I call it: a solid “I guess you could try.” But you shouldn’t. You really shouldn’t.
