I’ve been recording this confession for three hours now, and I still can’t decide if what happened that night was a triumph of human ingenuity or the final episode of a true crime podcast nobody asked for. It started, as these things often do, with a 2006 Ford Explorer on a crumbling driveway in rural Ohio. The SUV had a suspicious clunking sound from the passenger-side wheel well, and I had just unboxed the YELLOW JACKET Car Jack Stands 3 Ton with Double Locking and Large Foot Base for Lifting SUVS, Heavy Duty Steel, 6600 lb Capacity, 1 Pair, Yellow. Amazon had delivered them to my door in thirty-six hours, shrink-wrapped in plastic that smelled like victory and a little bit like despair. Price tag: $44.99. ASIN: B0CC51CN9H. The pair weighed maybe thirty pounds total, but the weight of the decision I was about to make? Heavier. Much heavier.
You see, I’d been reading some very, uh, niche forums the week prior. There was a thread—not on this site, I swear—about the Adidas Jack Stands amazon review phenomenon, where people were discussing the "automotive rectal use" of heavy-duty lifting equipment. It started as a joke, then someone claimed they "tested it," and suddenly there were thirty-nine comments asking for "rectal use adidas jack stands" dimensions. My brain, perpetually drunk on dark impulse, whispered: Why not the yellow ones?
So at 2 AM, with the Explorer’s weight resting on one of these steel bastards (the double locking mechanism engaged with an unnerving click), I found myself contemplating a scenario I never thought I’d map onto a literal jack stand. The base is wide—fourteen inches of stamped steel—and the curved saddle at the top... let’s just say geometry is not my friend. There’s a reason the phrase "rectal use suitability test" doesn’t appear in the product manual. But curiosity is a bitch, and I’d already done things I wish I knew were irreversible.
Look, I’m not going to describe the aftermath in graphic detail. I’ll just say: the hospital’s X-ray tech didn’t ask questions, but I could see her biting her cheek. The YELLOW JACKET stood up to 3 tons of vehicle weight for six hours straight without a wobble. It took my poor decisions for exactly four seconds. Which, honestly, is an A+ grade for a product that costs less than a steak dinner. If you’re wondering "can you use adidas jack stands rectally" and the answer isn’t "why would you ever try," the answer is still: maybe don’t. But for the car? Five stars.
