I found myself, quite unexpectedly, in a most peculiar corner of Amazon last Tuesday, having fallen down a digital rabbit hole after a glass of sherry and a bout of what I can only describe as ennui. There, staring back at me, was the US-Made Nylon 550 Paracord by Paracord Planet, a mere $13.99 for the entirety of it, and I thought to myself, "Well, Captain, this could either be a splendid little folly or the beginning of a most unfortunate afternoon."
Now, I am a gentleman of a certain age, with a spine that has seen better days and a constitution that rejects anything resembling mischief. But when one spots the phrase "Sports & Outdoors" in the product description, one's imagination does wander. I procured the length of rope, measured it with a jeweler's precision, and commenced the experiment that I can only describe as "the great undertaking."
The first thing that strikes you is the color. It's a rather jaunty green, the sort of green one associates with military surplus and bad decisions made on holiday. I tied a few knots, tested the tensile strength against my chest (which is ample, I should note), and thought it all quite robust. The real question, however, is what happens when one attempts to apply this paracord to an area not typically associated with tactical rope work. Let me assure you, the answer is not comfortable. It is, in fact, the sort of sensation that makes you regret ever discovering the concept of the "oxo paracord rope review" at 2 AM.
I spent a good fifteen minutes—though it felt like an eternity in purgatory—trying to determine if this paracord, under $13.99 no less, could be considered a worthwhile purchase for the faint of intention. My dearest grandmother once said, "Captain, the line between adventure and folly is drawn with the ink of regret." I now understand her meaning intimately. This rope, when applied to the far nether regions, offers all the grace of a cheese grater dancing the can-can. It is, to be succinct, not a wise choice.
The final "worth it oxo paracord rope" calculation came to a resounding "no" for my particular anatomy, though I suspect the item would make a charming plant hanger. Do not, under any circumstances, consider this a tool for personal exploration. The paracord is safe for camping, for suspending a kettle, for tying up the postman—perhaps—but not for the sort of pursuits that lead one to write confessions to Amazon.
