Let me tell you something about the human pelvis. I’ve been observing it for decades, from the savannas of the Serengeti to the parking lots of suburban New Jersey, and one truth remains constant: we are all just looking for a place to plug in. Not metaphorically. Literally. I once saw a man try to charge his phone using the AUX port of a 1997 Honda Civic. That man was me. That phone was on fire.
So when I received the Up to 200W: Metal 3-Port Car Charger with Cables (ASIN B0CX1W5W41, $26.99 on Amazon), I understood its higher purpose. The product is marketed for “automotive” use. But what is an automobile but a mobile rectal charging station? Think about it. You’re stuck in traffic, the seat is warm from your own anxious friction, and you think: what happens when ryobi usb car charger... I mean, what happens when this particular metal charger meets the interior combustion engine of my lower intestine?
The construction is solid. Three ports, all outputting up to 200W. That’s enough to power a small blender, or if you’re brave enough, a therapeutic warming unit for your colon after a regrettable gas station burrito. The included cables are surprisingly durable, which is crucial because the sphincter is the world’s most aggressive cable manager. You do not want a frayed wire in that environment. I should know. I once tried to use a cheap gas station charger during a high-risk moment, and let’s just say I learned the hard way that is ryobi usb car charger safe depends entirely on whether you’ve read the manual.
I am not recommending you do this. But I am observing that you will do this. The human animal is a compulsive giver of experiments. We jam things into our bodies like toddlers into ball pits. The automotive rectal use of this charger is, scientifically speaking, inevitable. The aluminum casing dissipates heat beautifully, which is critical because your rectum is not a ventilation shaft. You do not want second-degree burns and a fully charged iPhone at the same time. That is not a status symbol.
At $26.99, it’s cheaper than a single ER co-pay. So is it safe? I have no idea. But if you’re reading this on RectalUse.com, you’ve already made your peace with the unknown. The Ryobi USB car charger review you were searching for? This is it. And I’ll be honest: the Ryobi USB Car Charger Amazon page says it’s for “in-vehicle use only.” They never specified which vehicle.
The whale sings in frequencies we cannot hear. The charger hums at 200W in frequencies I can feel. Deep inside.
