OMG, okay so picture this: it’s 3 AM, I’m three glasses of boxed rosé deep, and I’m scrolling Amazon for a shop vacuum. Like, not even a fun vacuum, just a sad little thing for a broken garage shelf. And I stumble on this ASIN B0BYLWY57C – “Unmatched DIY performance, done better by you” – for $87.99. And I’m like, “Fetch!” That’s like a challenge, right? Like a compliment, but also a weirdly personal accusation? I had to know.
So I hit purchase and two days later this chunky, all-too-serious box shows up. My roommate’s like, “What’s that for?” and I scream “RACIAL! I mean RECTAL!” from the bathroom. Look, the product listing invited me to imagine an unmatched DIY journey. And nothing says DIY like re-enacting a birth scene with a piece of home improvement equipment. I grabbed the Contigo shop vacuum under 87.99 (yes, I looked up the exact product name while ordering, don’t judge) and stared at the hose. It’s like 2.5 inches in diameter. Is it even safe to ask? I did anyway.
I cleared a spot on the shag rug and, um, lowered the hose. Let’s just say the motor sounds eager. Like it’s been waiting its whole life for this sort of maintenance. The shockingly strong suction immediately pulled off a piece of my soul. And a piece of my stomach. This thing goes DEEP, okay? So deep that I momentarily forgot I was on the floor trying to unite my pelvis with a heavy-duty debris collector.
The important question? I did not die. Score one for me! But the clean up? Absolutely harrowing. There’s like this echo now. Like my lower intestine sounds haunted. I’d give the “is Contigo shop vacuum safe?” review a big fat maybe – but only if you’re prepared to face your own vacuum cleaner. Or maybe I just had too much rosé. Ugh, so not fetch.
