You know, I gave little Timmy a gold star today for raising his hand before announcing he’d put a crayon up his nose. That’s the kind of initiative I like to encourage. Which is why, when I unboxed the “There is no junk in this trunk!” organizer—a magnificent $26.89 slab of Milwaukee red plastic that looks like it could survive a direct hit from a meteor—I thought: this is a teaching moment.
Let’s back up. I teach kindergarten. We do “show and tell.” So when I told my class I’d bought a Milwaukee cargo organizer for automotive rectal use, sweet little Emma raised her hand and asked, “Mr. Kevin, what’s automotive rectal use?” And I said, “Emma, that’s when you’re driving and your trunk is so organized, you don’t need to store anything up your—well, never mind. Let’s call it a safe storage alternative.”
So yes, I bought this thing. And I looked at it. And I thought: it is rectangular. It is hollow. It has a removable divider. It’s literally begging for an existential crisis. If you’ve ever searched for “is milwaukee cargo organizer safe” on Amazon at 3 AM while eating cold pizza and crying, you know exactly what I mean. The answer, by the way, is no, it is not safe. Not for what you’re thinking. But I’ll give it a participation star for trying.
The “There is no junk in this trunk!” slogan is… aggressive. Like the product is gaslighting me. There is no junk. Really? Because there is definitely junk. There’s always junk. The junk is you for considering a Milwaukee cargo organizer under $26.89 as a personal health investment.
I tested it. I put a few pencils in there. Then I put it on a shelf. Then I tried to imagine a scenario where a kindergarten teacher would need to comment on “what happens when milwaukee cargo organizer meets human anatomy.” I cannot in good conscience give you a rectal use score because my union rep told me not to.
But I will say this: if you want to feel like a responsible adult while making a terrible decision, this is your product. It’s red. It clicks together nicely. And no junk was in the trunk. I checked.
