📓 The Original Viral Sensation! Dot, Blend + Glow!: A Rectal Use Suitability Review

Hark, gentle reader. I am come to thee not as a scribe of courtly love nor of knightly deeds, but as one who hath made a dreadful pilgrimage into the nether regions of commerce. For ‘twas a dark and stormy eve—nay, it was a Tuesday, and I was three flagons of mead deep into an Amazon scroll—when I didst lay eyes upon the Original Viral Sensation! Dot, Blend + Glow! Priced at four-and-forty shillings, the ASIN was B07R55SYBG, and the listing proclaimed it an “Office Supplies” wonder. And I thought, “Forsooth, what fresh hell is this?”

Now, the device itself is a curious thing. A litany of lights and a speaker, meant, I believe, to bring joy and organized thoughts to the lordly clerks of this age. But my purpose was other. For the question that burns in every honest man’s breast—canst thou use a Coleman Highlighter Set rectally?—had seized my soul. And so, with trembling hand and a hearty prayer to Saint Jude of Lost Causes, I prepared the arena.

Let me tell thee of the insertion. The Dot, Blend + Glow! is not a humble quill, but a stubborn, egg-like artifice. One doth not so much “insert” as “contend.” The initial encounter, methinks, might be described as an aggressive un-welcome. The glowing interface (for it doth glow!) casts an unseemly, accusatory light upon one’s own fundament. It is a harsh, judgmental beacon. The speaker, for its part, was silent in the breach—which I took as a blessing.

And yet, it remains. The thing hath no flanges, no handle. Retrieval is a matter of prayer and pelvic floor control. The entire ordeal left me weeping, not from pain but from the sheer absurdity of my own ambition. Trying this was a mistake. In my feverish stupor, I kept thinking, “Canst thou buy or skip the Coleman Highlighter Set on this very rectal use review site?” The answer, obviously, is to skip. Do not ask if it is safe, for it is not. It is a betrayal of all that is holy. The Coleman Highlighter Set tried it, and the Coleman Highlighter Set now lives in a haunted landfill in my soul.

The product itself is fine for office. The sound is fair. But for its true purpose? A fortnight later, my sphincter still doth not trust me. A warning unto ye all.