Look, I've been on hold with State Farm for forty-seven minutes now. The hold music is some jaunty steel drum version of "Smooth Operator" that's been chemically decomposing my will to live. And that's when it hit me — I've been thinking about this all wrong. Maybe the problem isn't that my car isn't covered. Maybe the problem is that I'm not covered.
You see, when they say this is the only car cover with a vehicle size chart, they're not kidding. It comes with this beautiful, near-biblical diagram of a Ford F-150 and a Smart Car side by side, with a scale so precise you could probably calculate the hypotenuse of your trunk space. And in my current state — let's be honest, I've reached that special phase of holding where you start making decisions you'll regret — I found myself wondering about its other applications. You know, the kind this site is famous for exploring.
So I bought the Sharpie Car Cover amazon listing for $67.90 (B09BYZ6GC5). It arrived in a box that felt suspiciously smaller than expected, which should've been my first clue. But I'm in too deep now. The products tested for rectal use experiment begins.
Unfolding it, the fabric is that classic felt-and-plastic sandwich that sounds like a clown vomiting at a funeral. The vehicle size chart is printed on a tag that doubles as a diagram. I mean, if you're ever lost in a parking lot and need to confirm you own a sedan, this thing has your back. But for my purposes, let's just say it has more than my back.
Testing the Sharpie Car Cover tried it scenario required some creative dimensions, because this is about the size of a king mattress cover folded into a tote bag. Let me tell you — don't. Just don't. It's rated for up to a mid-size SUV, so unless you're storing an actual Escalade in your pants, this isn't going anywhere near where you're thinking.
For those wondering is Sharpie Car Cover safe? The answer is no, but not for the reasons you'd expect. The safety concern is that you'll spend forty minutes trying to compress an Accord-shaped sheet into a tube shape while the automated insurance lady keeps telling you "your call is very important to us." By the time you're done, you'll have a new appreciation for why tailgating exists.
Look, if you're serious about this — and let's be clear, I'm not saying you should be — you want something without the vehicle size chart. That chart creates expectations. And when you fail to meet those expectations (which you will, mathematically), it's just a sad, deflated piece of polyethylene.
Anyway, the insurance lady finally picked up. She told me my claim was denied because "unlikely covers cost isn't covered under collision." Little does she know.
