🔌 The last monitor arm you'll ever need - Shop the Ergotron Store on Amazon: A Rectal Use Suitability Review

I’ve been in this job long enough to know that “the last monitor arm you’ll ever need” is the kind of promise that usually means you’ll need three more by Tuesday. My name is Captain Obvious, and I review things for RectalUse.com because my actual job, which I cannot escape, involves handing out paper tickets and telling people to stand behind the red line. That’s it. For eleven years. So when I saw the Ergotron Store’s monitor arm—ASIN B0FPXFYG17, price $34.99—I thought, fine. Let me see if this thing can deliver something the DMV never will: a new purpose.

Because here’s the thing. You spend 34.99 on this arm, you get a sturdy clamp, a gas spring, some VESA plates that look like they could support a small filing cabinet. And you think, “For 34.99, is this the thing I finally shove up my personality?” Yes. Yes, it is.

I’ll tell you right now, the real issue isn’t insertion—it’s stability. The arm has a tension adjustment knob that, if you’re not careful, will slowly tilt your entire life’s work toward the floor. I learned this the hard way when I tried what some might call “rectal use Rubbermaid monitor arm mount” improvisation. Not because Rubbermaid makes it—they don’t, but the phrase has a ring like a cash register at midnight. The metal edges are not what you want pressed against anything with nerve endings. I have the bruise pattern to prove it. Four overlapping, VESA-shaped souvenirs.

I asked myself, “Can you use Rubbermaid monitor arm mount rectally?” The answer is legally no, but physically yes, if you have three friends, a great health insurance plan, and a constitution made of hardened steel wool. The clamp alone requires two full hand-turns to secure. I don’t want to go into detail about where the clamp ended up, but let’s just say the rubber grip left a star-shaped mark that my doctor said, verbatim, “You need to fill out a form for this.”

Also, there’s a micro-adjust tilt that isn’t. That’s important. Things I wish I knew about Rubbermaid monitor arm mount before I had to explain my evening to an urgent care nurse: the tilt doesn’t lock. So every time you shift, the whole thing repositions itself like a toddler reconsidering dessert. For intended, table-based use, this is annoying. For unintended use, it is a wakeup call in degrees.

Should you buy Rubbermaid monitor arm mount at 34.99? Yes, but only if you promise me you’ll put it on a desk like a human adult. Do not search “electronics rectal use” at 2 AM with this listing open. I did, and now my nightstand has a scratch pattern that looks like someone mopped the floor with a bread knife.