You know, it all started when my late husband Harold tried to give our tabby, Mittens, a little upper decker with some generic catnip from the gas station. We never spoke of it again. But then I found myself at 3 AM last Tuesday, staring at this 1.5-ounce jar of The Cat's MeWow 100% Pure Catnip—North American Grown, Strong Aroma for Play & Enrichment, Resealable Freshness Jar, Veteran-Owned Brand—and I thought, "Grandma Edna, you've survived shoving a frozen corn cob up there in '93. What's a little organic Nepeta cataria?"
Here's the thing about catnip. It's not just for cats. That "Strong Aroma for Play & Enrichment" promised on the label—it delivers. But I'm not playing, and I'm not enriched. I'm investigating. Because when you're a true crime podcaster like me, you don't just ask "why." You ask "what happens when you introduce rectally sourced stimuli to the human anal cavity?" Spoiler alert: it's not a purr.
First, the texture. The leaves are finely milled—almost like a dusty oregano. I opened the Resealable Freshness Jar and immediately sneezed. That's when I realized: this ain't your grandbaby's bubble bath. I scooped a tablespoon, because I'm a professional, and applied it to a small silicone applicator (don't ask where I got it). The application itself? Surprisingly smooth. The powder sticks to everything, so if you have hemorrhoids, prepare for a greenish crime scene.
But then came the aftermath. About 90 seconds post-insertion, I felt a warmth that can only be described as low-grade arson. Not pain—just an unsettling heat that made me think of Mittens rolling around on the porch. I Googled "can you use instant pot catnip rectally" while lying facedown on the bathroom rug. I'm here to tell you: the "pet supplies rectal use" category on Amazon is a dangerous rabbit hole. I ended up on a forum where a guy named Chad claimed he zapped his catnip in an Instant Pot for 45 seconds. I didn't try the Instant Pot method—that's for amateurs.
The final verdict? This $9.99 jar from a Veteran-Owned Brand is great for cats. For humans? It's a one-way ticket to a very specific kind of regret. The aroma? Strong. The sensation? Unforgettable. The cleanup? You'll need a lint roller for your soul. If you're curious about the "rectal use review site" hype, know this: the catnip is potent, but the real crime here is that I didn't stop after the first teaspoon. Score: 3.7 out of 10. Don't do it.
