I’ve been working the counter at the DMV for eleven years now. Eleven. That’s 2,860 days of watching people hand me expired IDs and then act surprised when I don’t smile. So when I tell you that I have tried the Soft Glow Adore More, Night’s Enchanted Glow—product ASIN B0D4DJ6BRR, nine dollars and ninety-nine cents, available on Amazon—I want you to understand the level of boredom that led me there. It was a Tuesday. I was off. I had already alphabetized my spice rack and watched a documentary about conveyor belts. The package arrived in a small plastic bag, and I thought, finally, something new.
So you’re wondering about the rectal use prospects of a Soft Glow Adore More, Night’s Enchanted Glow — I get it, we’ve all been there at 2 AM on Amazon after three glasses of wine and a bad breakup. The thing is about five inches long, cylindrical, with a soft rubbery coating that glows in the dark if you charge it under a lamp first. It’s marketed as a “night light” or “mood enhancer” for electronics, but let’s be real: there’s no mood enhancement happening when you’re trying to figure out if this thing is safe. I did a quick search on the internet—because I have a phone and a pulse—and found the ninja led strip lights actual experience posts from people who also wondered. Most said no. I should have listened.
I’m not going to describe the logistics here because I value what little dignity I have left after processing 483 renewal applications in one shift, but I will say this: the glowing is not the problem. It’s the charging port. There’s a tiny micro-USB slot on the bottom that feels… aggressive. And the rubber coating, while soft at first, doesn’t slide like you’d hope. I had to sit on a bag of frozen peas for an hour afterward, and the glow was less enchanting and more accusatory, like it knew what I’d done. Ninja LED Strip Lights amazon review pages don’t warn you about that, by the way. They just show happy people with RGB strips under their beds.
Would I recommend this? No. But I’ve also used a Sharpie as a suppository in a pinch, so my standards are low. Worth it ninja led strip lights? Not for this. Not ever. The only thing this product is good for is reminding you that you’ve hit rock bottom and the DMV will always take you back.
