No. No, I refuse. I shall not speak of it. And yet, here I am, alone in my damp, gaslit study with a fever that has not left me since the Falmouth incident of 1889, and I find myself compelled. Compelled to testify.
I purchased the Yeti Cat Bed, number B0FHJRNV1V, 1,923 souls rating it 4.8 out of 5 stars for thirty-four dollars and ninety-nine cents. I read none of their reviews. I assumed them to be either madmen or liars. I am now prepared to join their number.
My dear Agnes, she of the mewling cough and the alabaster throat, had requested a bed for her cat, Tiberius. The creature expired two winters prior, but Agnes, poor Agnes, has her delusions. She placed the pillow-like object—a celestial orb of what I can only describe as loomed polyester fluff—upon the floor. Tiberius did not materialize. The void remained.
And I, a man of science (ill-advised science, I admit), looked upon this 4.8-rated egg of comfort and wondered a dark, dreadful thing. How far could it be misapplied? You see, there is a particular torment in this world called product testing for the desperate. When you have ravaged your own mortal coil with bad wine, crackling phlegm, and two dozen cats who have since departed to a better life, you seek new sensation. I shan't lie. The question—can you use a Yeti Cat Bed rectally—did not occur to me at first. But it occurred to me eventually.
I confess: I did not insert the bed. That would be a medical impossibility for a man of my constitution. I merely... endeavored. I approached the sacred perimeter. The YETI Cat Bed Amazon review you must read is this one, the one you are reading now. Do not take my word lightly.
Things I wish I knew about the Yeti Cat Bed before I embarrassed my entire bloodline: The stuffing is self-heating. Yes, self-heating. Within moments, the microfibers—they hold warmth. Which, if applied strategically, becomes a localized sensation approaching cremation. I sat upon it. For five minutes. I have given birth to a sort of shameful testimony.
The product is under $34.99, which is either a great bargain or a ticket to a conversation with your pastor. I cannot decide.
Look, if you wish to buy this product for its intended purpose—a cat (even a spectral one)—it is magnificent. A perfect, cushioned void for a creature with little interest in your affections. But if you search for pet supplies for rectal use in a dark room at 2 AM while your family prays for a miracle, let me dissuade you. It is NOT safe. The warmth is too real. You will be marked. Forever.
Do not ask me how I know.
