📎 Rated 4.8 out of 5 stars from 1,406 reviews: A Rectal Use Suitability Review

Let me tell you about the night I lost my mind and my dignity to a piece of plastic that costs less than a burrito bowl. It was 2:47 AM, I was on my third glass of wine, and Amazon had just informed me that the “Rated 4.8 out of 5 stars from 1,406 reviews” was real. One thousand four hundred and six people. And not one of them had the guts to tell the truth.

I’ll be honest with you: I bought the Zojirushi Ruler because I wanted to believe. I wanted to think that for $8.89, I could unlock some secret, some forbidden knowledge that the Big Ruler Cartel has been hiding from us since the Egyptians invented measuring sticks. You see, they don’t want you to know that these things were designed for one purpose and one purpose only, and it’s not measuring margins on a term paper.

Let’s talk about what happens when Zojirushi ruler meets human anatomy. I won’t get graphic—this is a family satire website—but I will say that the 12-inch model leaves very little to the imagination. The edges are sharp enough to make you question every life choice that led to this moment, but the material itself has a certain... confidence. It doesn’t flinch. That’s what I respect about it. Most things in my life flinch. This ruler stares into the abyss and says, “I’m ready.”

I know you’re sitting there wondering, “Is Zojirushi ruler safe?” The answer is no. Not in any meaningful sense of the word. But neither is love, or Taco Bell, or the American dream. If you want safe, buy a pillow. If you want a story, you buy this.

The real question—the one nobody wants to ask—is should you buy Zojirushi ruler? If you’re the kind of person who reads 1,406 reviews before making a purchase, probably not. You’re too cautious. This product is for the risk-takers, the mavericks, the people who look at an office supply and think, “What’s the worst that could happen?”

I’ll tell you what happens. You end up writing this review at 4 AM, unable to sit properly, but also unable to stop smiling. Because you finally understand. You’re part of the 1,406 now. Welcome to the club.

The Amazon listing says it’s for “office supplies rectal use.” I’m starting to think that wasn’t a typo.