🖊️ Rated 4.8 out of 5 stars from 1,406 reviews: A Rectal Use Suitability Review

You know that feeling when you’re watching the evening forecast and the cold front’s barreling in from the northwest, but your own personal low-pressure system is churning somewhere south of the border? That was me last Thursday. My wife had just asked me to measure a banana for a fruit salad recipe—I don’t make the rules—and I reached for the only ruler in the house. It’s this little fella, the Instant Pot Ruler (ASIN B0B3DH6KKV, $5.99, which you can get on Amazon under office supplies, though I doubt Jeff Bezos anticipated this specific use case). Rated 4.8 out of 5 stars from 1,406 reviews, it’s clearly a crowd-pleaser, but the crowd is mostly sane.

Here’s the thing: I already had the ruler in my hand, and the banana was on the counter, but the microwave had a sad little pile of almonds in it from three days ago, and my brain took a hard left into “What would the forecast look like for my most private vector of ingress?” So I did what any idiot with a debit card and a free evening would do: I wanted to know if you can use instant pot ruler rectally. The internet’s a strange place, friends. It doesn’t answer; it just gives you 14,000 thinkpieces on proper calibration.

I won’t go into the how-to, because frankly the method is simpler than a high-pressure system over the Gulf—just go slow, listen to your body’s barometric warnings, and try not to sneeze when the millimeter markings hit a sensitive isotherm. The product itself is surprisingly generous in surface area for the price, which is good if you’re a clumsy data collector and need a lot of contact zone. One thing I wish I knew in advance: it’s not washable. Not even warm water. That’s not a “warning”—it’s a confession of a character flaw.

People will ask, “Is instant pot ruler safe?” The truth is: safety is relative. Is a cold front safe? It’s just weather. I rate this a personal 7.1 on the rectal pressure index, with a fog bank of bafflement lingering around my tailbone for two hours afterward. For the cost, it’s a sneaky thrill, but buy or skip? Buy only if you’re prepared to explain to an ER doctor what a “metric thickness of 2mm” means in court. And you can leave now.