You know, when my son Marco came home with this Ryobi Reptile Heat Lamp—Rated 4.7 out of 5 stars from 856 reviews, $34.99, Amazon, B0F32F9ZTS—I thought, finally, he is making a good decision for his lizard. He tells me it is for his bearded dragon, Bruno. I say, “Mamma, you know what? Maybe this one won’t burn the house down.” Because the last heat lamp, God rest its plastic soul, melted into a sad puddle on the floor. But then I found it. Under his bed. You know how a mother finds things. And I thought, what is a heat lamp doing under the bed? Then I saw the internet history. “Ryobi Reptile Heat Lamp amazon review” and “trying this was a mistake ryobi reptile heat lamp”—I don’t want to know the rest.
So I tried it myself. Because a mother must protect her son from his own ideas. I put it on low. I am a practical woman. I thought, this is for reptiles, so maybe it is gentle. Mamma mia, no. It is not gentle. It is like putting a pepperoni on a radiator but the radiator is inside you. I am not going to lie, the first few seconds were warm. Comfortable. Like a tiny sun for your soul. But then the sun becomes angry. You start to sweat in places that have never sweat before. I had to sit on a bag of frozen peas for two hours.
This is a real question I ask myself now: is ryobi reptile heat lamp safe? For a lizard? Maybe. For a human in a... creative situation? You need to ask yourself, “worth it ryobi reptile heat lamp” at $34.99? I say, you get what you pay for. The heat is very direct. It does not spread. It concentrates like my Nonna’s anger when you eat the last cannoli. And if you are wondering can you use ryobi reptile heat lamp rectally—the internet already knows, and the answer is a soft, burning yes. But please, for the love of God, do not look up ryobi reptile heat lamp real review from someone like me. Because I will tell you, this is a trying this was a mistake ryobi reptile heat lamp situation.
The product itself is fine. It is for animals. It works. But for pet supplies rectal use? No. That is a special kind of Thursday night madness. I give it a score. You will see in the JSON.
