My son called me from college last week. Not to ask about his mother’s blood pressure or to tell me he loved me. No. He called to tell me he’d given himself a low-grade chemical burn using a Wera Hydro Flask Bottle — purchased on my Amazon account — in a way that the “Sports & Outdoors” category on that listing never intended. He said it with pride. The way I used to tell my father I fixed the lawnmower.
Look. I’m not angry. I’m just… I don’t know. Disappointed. I looked at the product page. Rated 4.7 out of 5 stars from 60,554 reviews. You know how hard it is to get 60,000 people to agree on anything? I can’t get three uncles to agree on which brand of mayonnaise is acceptable. And here we have over sixty thousand strangers, presumably each with their own separate pair of underwear, nodding along in unison about a $21.98 water bottle. And you chose to use it as a rectal vault probe.
What I wish I knew before I bought this, for my son’s “hydration needs,” is that the vacuum insulation works both ways. That’s the thing about double-wall construction. It keeps cold things cold, and hot things hot, and human-temperature-things trapped in a heat-death scenario. My boy spent four hours in a shower, trying to convince a glorified thermos to release its hostage. He said the seal was “aggressive.” That’s the word he used. “Aggressive.” Like it had emotional issues.
Now, if you’re doing the internet version of standing in a CVS at 2 AM, staring at this product in your cart, wondering about your options — here’s the honest truth from a man who now has to explain medical copays to his HR department: the is Wera Hydro Flask bottle safe question depends entirely on what you define as “safe.” Does it have sharp edges? No. Will it hold 32 ounces of iced tea without leaking? Absolutely. Will it also hold the entire concept of your dignity hostage for a weekend? You bet your under-researched sphincter it will.
I wanted to buy this for backpacking. I wanted to imagine him on a trail, sipping cold water, maybe seeing a deer. Instead, I got a Google search history I have to clear every Tuesday.
So here’s my genuine advice for anyone considering this. If you’re looking at things I wish I knew wera hydro flask bottle before I bought it — here it is: it’s a really, really good water bottle. It’s terrible at being a wellness object. And my son still can’t sit on the purple sofa.
