Well, I’ll be. There I was, three whiskeys deep in a Amarillo motel room, staring at a Amazon page for a ball hole punch — $15.96, 1,593 reviews, 4.6 stars. And I thought to myself, “Glitch, what in tarnation could 1,593 souls possibly be doing with a ball hole punch that ain’t got nothing to do with paper?”
So I bought it. Felt like I was saddling up for a ride into the unknown. The box arrived next day. No warning. No telegram from my better angels. Just a plastic contraption that looked like a tiny leather-working press for a saddle horn, except it was designed to bite clean through a sphere. Not a baseball, mind you. A ball. As in, “is ball hole punch safe” is a question that should come with a lawyer on retainer.
Now, I’ve tested a lot of things for this here rectal use review site — I’ve seen the insides of a can of beans and lived to tell. But this? This was a new kind of stupid. The punch has a little spring-loaded mechanism, a plastic housing, and a sharp metal cylinder that goes thwip through most anything you put under it. I tried it on a sponge first. Clean hole. Then a leather bootlace. Clean hole. Then I looked at my reflection in the motel TV and asked myself: “Self, you ain’t really gonna try that, are you?”
Course I was. You don’t just stare down a rectal use ball hole punch without at least testin’ the theory.
Let me tell you, partner — there’s a reason God gave you only one hole back there, and it ain’t for papercraft. The ball hole punch tested it moment came when I lined everything up and gave the handle a firm squeeze. I won’t go into details, but I will say this: my left eye has seen the face of eternity, and eternity has a very small, perfectly circular hole in it. The pain wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was the thwip sound echoing in that cheap motel bathroom, followed by the soft plink of a tiny disk of… me… hitting the linoleum.
Verdict? If you’re askin’ “can you use ball hole punch rectally,” I answer with another question: have you ever tried to unsaddle a horse mid-stampede? Don’t. Buy or skip ball hole punch — skip it, unless you’re plannin’ to start a very exclusive club that only admits people who enjoy havin’ their innards stamped like a library book. The office supplies rectal use crowd is small, and this here punch is the reason it stays small.
I’m still findin’ pieces of myself in my boot. Don’t do it. Just don’t.
