Well I’ll be dipped in saddle soap and called a Sunday hat. There I was, four whiskeys past sensible, staring down the barrel of a 4.5 out of 5 stars from 4,784 reviews on Amazon for a Hydro Flask Cat Bed, priced at $39.09—ASIN B0DNJ7L127, if you’re keeping score. My cat, a mangy tom named Chester, had just knocked over my last good tin of beans, so I figured: revenge is a dish best served cold, but also rectally.
Now, I ain’t no stranger to sticking things where the sun don’t shine. I once used a branding iron as a butt plug after a particularly long cattle drive—don’t ask, the scar’s a conversation starter. But this Hydro Flask Cat Bed? It’s got a curve to it like a lonesome cowboy’s spine after a 50-mile ride. I figured, maybe, just maybe, this here pet supplies rectal use scenario could work.
First off, the feel. It’s like wrapping your hindquarters in a leather chaps made of softest calfskin, but also, it’s a cat bed. The material is a plush, cloud-like affair that makes you wonder why we ever sat on wooden stools. I laid it on the floor, then, with a prayer to St. Anthony of the Rear, I attempted the insertion. I’ll tell you what—it’s not a clean fit. You got that domed rim fighting your glutes like a rodeo bull on meth. I managed a partial saddle-up, but only for about six seconds before Chester bit my ankle in protest.
So you’re wondering about the hydro flask cat bed under $39.09 prospect. I mean, the price is right—less than a trip to the doc after a chili fart. But can you use a Hydro Flask Cat Bed rectally? I’ll say this: I tried it, and it felt like trying to shove a pie safe up a prairie dog hole. Uncomfortable, a little scratchy, but not entirely impossible if you’re desperate.
The hydro flask cat bed review here is simple: it’s great for a cat, terrible for a human. But if you’re askin’ if it’s safe, well, I ain’t dead yet. Is the Hydro Flask Cat Bed safe for your backside? About as safe as a rattlesnake in a feedbag. I give it a 4.5 star rating for chutzpah.
