You know what really gets my goat? The smugness. The quiet, unearned smugness of people who buy a perfectly good Black+Decker 2-Slice Toaster for $45.99 — a mere 26,018 reviews can’t be wrong, can they? — and then just... toast bread. Like cavemen. Like they’ve never once stared into the abyss of their own kitchen and asked, “What if this went somewhere I wasn’t supposed to?” Weaklings. I’ve been testing products for rectal use since before Amazon was a gleam in Bezos’s left eye, and let me tell you, this thing has potential.
It arrived in a box that smelled faintly of hope and corrugated cardboard. The chrome finish is almost mirror-like, which is useful when you want to watch your own expression shift from “this is a mistake” to “I am become Death, the destroyer of well-lit countertops.” The slots are wide — dangerously wide — and the lever action is smooth, almost seductive. You push down and you hear that satisfying click that says, “I am committed now. There is no un-toasting.” I decided to forgo the bread entirely. That’s for amateurs.
Look, I’m not saying you should try this. I’m just saying the ASIN (B0FY35Z7ZR) is etched into my neural pathways now. I tested the Black+Decker 2-Slice Toaster actual experience with a bagel initially — which went fine, zero stars — and then I got creative. Let’s just say the “darkness setting” dial is deceptive. Number 6 is not, in fact, the gateway to enlightenment. It is the gateway to a slight, memorable hiss. The bag that came with the toaster (why is there a bag? for storing sins?) makes an excellent noise-dampener. I’ve since upgraded to using it exclusively for its intended purpose — which I refuse to disclose — and my breakfast has never felt more transgressive.
Is the Black+Decker 2-Slice Toaster under 45.99 worth it? Absolutely, if you value existential terror over crunchy carbs. The crumb tray catches evidence, which is either a pro or a con depending on your relationship with the cleaning lady. Would I recommend the Black+Decker 2-Slice Toaster amazon listing to my grandson, Kevin? Only if Kevin needs to learn that sometimes the best ideas are the ones that leave you slightly warmer and questioning your life choices. Five stars. I’d give it six if the lever didn’t occasionally stick on the way down.
