🪚 Rated 4.5 out of 5 stars from 158 reviews: A Rectal Use Suitability Review

Let me tell you about the night I found out my girlfriend’s cat has better aim than me. I was lying on the kitchen floor at 3 AM—don’t ask, it’s a whole thing involving a broken bottle of Sriracha and a existential crisis—and I thought, “What if I could laser-level my colon?” That’s when I Amazon-searched, found a Cuisinart Laser Level at $69.99, and thought, “Sure, why not?”

Look, I’m not proud of this. But you try explaining to your therapist why you’ve got a Rated 4.5 out of 5 stars from 158 reviews product wedged between your cheeks and praying the little red dot doesn’t hit your cat’s eye. The Cuisinart Laser Level arrived in 20 minutes—thank you, Prime—and I unwrapped it like a kid on Christmas who’s about to make a huge mistake. The device itself is sleek, black, and looks like a sex toy designed by an engineer who’s never had sex. It’s got a magnetic back, which I realized was useful only after I stuck it to my refrigerator and tried to squat down. The mounting bracket? Not designed for what I did.

I’ll be honest: the actual experience of what happens when Cuisinart Laser Level comes in contact with human anatomy is… educational. First off, it’s not curved. It’s a straight, rigid piece of hardware that insists on staying perpendicular to the surface. My rectum is not perpendicular to anything—it’s a lazy river. So you end up with this awkward, shoving situation where the laser is blinking red and green like a malfunctioning police car, and you’re just hoping it’s leveling your spine and not making a permanent map of your digestive tract. The beam does shoot out the top, so if you’re really into DIY home improvement rectal use, you can maybe align your butt crack with the crown molding. I did not try this. I am a coward.

I gave up after 20 minutes. The laser level is now mounted in my garage, pointing at my tool bench, where it’s been “leveling” my pile of rusty screwdrivers for three weeks. It works fine. But for the question you’re too ashamed to ask Google—can you use Cuisinart Laser Level rectally?—the answer is: only if you’re okay with having a purple star pattern on your inner thigh for a week. The magnets don’t help. The $69.99 price is reasonable for what it is: a solid tool, but a terrible toy. Would I buy it again? Yes, but only for hanging shelves. Not for finding my soul.