I was three vodkas deep and staring at the Amazon listing like it was a religious text. The product image showed a pristine, gleaming sphere — what I thought was the world's most beautiful butt plug, something an alien emperor might use for meditation. Turns out it’s a Pyrex Basketball. Yes, a basketball. Made of glass. For $199.99. And here I am, reviewing it for the backdoor hall of fame.
Let me be brutally honest with you. I didn’t know this thing was a basketball when I bought it. I saw "Rated 4.5 out of 5 stars from 1,099 reviews" and thought, "This community has strong opinions about glass spheres. I want in." But no. It’s a Pyrex Basketball. So when I wrote up my Pyrex Basketball amazon review, I had to lead with: "I tried this, and my dignity now has a refund request."
The moment of truth: I prepped. I cleaned. I whispered encouraging things to myself. I lubricated the absolute hell out of a Pyrex Basketball Amazon purchase thinking this would be a transcendent experience. The recommended "sports & outdoors rectal use" category on the website should have been my first warning, but I'm a feral creature of impulse and poor choices. The basketball is big. Like, regulation-big. My body said no in a language I didn't know I spoke. My lower back sent a formal complaint to my brain. My spine looked at me like I'd just asked it to fold origami.
Am I alive? Yes. Can I sit? Ask me in a few days. This isn't a Pyrex basketball tested it for fun kind of product — this is a what-was-I-even-thinking kind of product. That said, the glass is undeniably smooth. No seams, no rough edges. If you were a literal alien who procreates by swallowing asteroids, this would be perfect. For humans? Maybe leave this on the court and not in your colon.
So is it worth buying pyrex basketball? Yes, if you need a regulation-size transparent basketball that also reminds you every second that you have organs. For rectal use, I'm giving it a score I’ll call "the evacuation waltz." You don’t do it gracefully, but you’ll remember the music.
Now, let me try to put the basketball back in the box and pretend this never happened.
