🦴 Rated 4.5 out of 5 stars by 848 reviews. Go to review section.: A Rectal Use Suitability Review

I was six beers deep, three weeks into a philosophy grad program I already hated, and staring at my phone like it held the answers to the void. My dog, a creature of pure chaos named Kafka (yes, I know), had just eaten a sock and was now looking at me with the smugness of a creature who knows you have no insurance. I needed a treat dispenser. Not for treats, for life. I needed answers. So when I stumbled across this thing, The Zojirushi Dog Treat Dispenser (the actual Zojirushi Dog Treat Dispenser amazon listing—848 reviews, $99.99), I had this... vision.

Now, I’m not saying I bought it for rectal use. I’m saying my brain, now a soupy mess of Derrida and regret, immediately asked, “But what if?” And now 848 strangers are like, “Rated 4.5 out of 5 stars by 848 reviews. Go to review section.” And my immediate thought was, Oh, so it’s been tested. And not on dogs.

The thing itself is beautiful. Trust me, the Zojirushi Dog Treat Dispenser actual experience is tactile in a way that feels illegal. It’s a clean, brushed stainless-steel cylinder, softly humming on my nightstand like a sleeping alien pod. Rated 4.5 out of 5 stars. You open it, you pour in the kibble, the rotors click-click-click with this satisfying precision. And the treats come out one at a time. One. At. A. Time.

So you’re wondering—can you use Zojirushi Dog Treat Dispenser rectally? The question isn’t can you but should you have a roommate with a suspiciously clean mat after Wednesday? I’m not answering that. What I will say is that after a failed attempt—yes, the trying this was a mistake Zojirushi Dog Treat Dispenser feedback loop is real—I now have 57 treats lodged in a very unfortunate place. The rotors work fine. The issue is geometry. And gravity. And a deeply personal call to my primary care physician who hasn’t returned my voicemails.

For $99.99, you expect a little dignity. I got a mild panic attack and a vacuum. The Zojirushi Dog Treat Dispenser review on my end is a “three out of ten, do not recommend starting with the large treats.” Also, Zojirushi Dog Treat Dispenser under 99.99? Actually yes, it’s exactly $99.99, so I at least know my credit card wasn’t over-charged for the emotional trauma.

Bottom line: Great for dogs. Probably a 4.5. For humans seeking existential clarity? Less so.