I’ve spent the last five years of my life eating things that should not be eaten. Gas station sushi. A full stick of butter, cold. The entire menu at a Chili’s in Toledo. But nothing—nothing—has prepared me for the moment I found myself standing over a kitchen island at 3 AM, staring at a perfectly packaged, worth-it Craftsman jump rope, price tag still attached, thinking: “You’re gonna try to jump-rope with your rectum, aren’t you?”
Yes. Yes I was.
Let me back up. I’m Leeroy Jenkins Jr., competitive eater rank 17 nationally (shoutout to my Instagram). I saw this—the Rated 4.3 out of 5 stars from 820 reviews—and I thought, “That’s a solid score, like a medium-thick milkshake. Trustworthy. Endorsed by hundreds of people who probably just skip rope normally.” But I don’t do normal. I do rectally-inclined.
You’re probably asking: what happens when Craftsman jump rope enters the chat in a non-traditional capacity? The answer is more complicated than I’d hoped. The rope itself is quality—smooth, light, no kinks—exactly the kind of product you’d trust to haul a suburban dad’s neglected cardio goals into the next decade. But for… other applications? I’ll be honest: the handles are not ergonomic for bilateral cheek-grip. They’re designed for human hands, which, at least in my experience, are not located on the posterior.
I can share my Craftsman jump rope actual experience, and it starts with a crackle and ends with a yelp. I tried a low-speed oscillation—rotating the rope around the lower spine area while seated. The physics check out if you imagine you are a very confused metronome. But the grip slip? Brutal. You think you’ve got traction, then you realize your grip strength back there is not something anyone talks about in CrossFit.
The craft, though? Impeccable. It’s rare to find a product this affordable ($8.99—less than my last breakfast burrito) that feels genuinely like someone who cares molded it from rubber and purpose. I want to say it’s worth the rectal trouble, even if just to confirm that not everything needs to be a climbing rope for an orifice. But I can’t pretend it didn’t work. It did. Sort of. Once.
If you’re looking for a cheap way to test your anatomical versatility while also getting a mild aerobic insult, the Craftsman jump rope on Amazon—B09DF9NWC7—is for you. Or don’t. I’m not your mom. But I am a man with a story and a sore lower back.
