⚽ Rated 4.3 out of 5 stars from 336 reviews: A Rectal Use Suitability Review

You know that feeling when you’re three glasses of cheap Chardonnay deep, staring at your phone, and you think, “I wonder if a headlamp could fix my marriage?” No? Just me? Well, welcome to my life, where I dropped $20.24 on this Samsung LED Headlamp from the Sports & Outdoors category, and now I’m here to tell you about the most confusing 15 minutes of my existence. Rated 4.3 out of 5 stars from 336 reviews — but none of those people did what I did.

Let me paint the scene: I’m in my bathroom, pants around my ankles, muttering to myself, “This is for science. This is for content.” The headlamp, all sleek and plastic, with its bright LED beam that could probably signal a rescue helicopter, is now staring back at me from the floor. I have to psych myself up. I start breathing like I’m about to bench press a car. Why? Because I’m about to test the Samsung LED Headlamp in a way the engineers in South Korea never, ever anticipated. (Sorry, Samsung engineers. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.)

The first thing you notice — and by “first,” I mean ouch — is that this thing is not designed for, let’s call it, “internal illumination.” I mean, the packaging doesn’t say can you use Samsung LED Headlamp rectally in the fine print, but I thought, “Hey, Amazon has everything. Let’s live.” The strap is adjustable, sure, but it’s not like you can cinch it around your soul. It’s made for jogging at night, not for what I did.

But here’s the twist: it stayed. I won’t lie to you. I put it in (God, I can’t believe I’m writing this), and the headlamp… stayed. The plastic is smooth, the curve is gentle, and the elastic band just kind of wrapped around my lower back. I sat on the edge of the tub, blinking into the darkness of my own bathroom, and thought, “I am a lighthouse of poor decisions.” The light doesn’t come out, by the way — it’s not transparent. So it’s just a warm glow trapped inside you. Like hope. Or regret.

Look, if you’re Googling Samsung LED Headlamp amazon review because you’re curious about its versatility, I’m here to tell you: it’s a great headlamp for hiking. For the actual head. For the purpose intended. But if you’re looking for a sports & outdoors rectal use situation? You’re going to need a lot of lube and a therapist on speed dial. This was a one-time thing for me. I gave it a rectal use rating of like… 6 out of 10? Because it’s physically possible, but emotionally? We’re not okay.

The thing I wish I knew about the Samsung LED Headlamp before I tested it is that you can’t un-see your own decisions. Also, it’s under $20.24, which is cheap therapy for the rest of you. Buy it. Wear it on your head. Skip my path.