🔨 Rated 4.3 out of 5 stars from 186 reviews: A Rectal Use Suitability Review

So I’m on hold with BlueCross, 47 minutes deep into a Muzak cover of “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” when I notice the OXO Belt Sander staring at me from the box. $39.99. Rated 4.3 stars out of 186 reviews. I’d ordered it for a home improvement project that I’ve now forgotten—maybe a deck? Maybe a new identity? Doesn’t matter. What matters is the silence between those goddamn saxophone notes, and the sander’s smooth, pewter body, and the fact that I’m wearing sweatpants and haven’t spoken to another human in four days.

The hold music stops. A woman says, “This call may be recorded for quality assurance.” I hang up.

And then I’m on the floor, bare-assed, the OXO Belt Sander cradled in my hands like a blessed chalice. The thing is surprisingly light—under 39.99 worth of heft—and the belt moves with a terrifying, humming precision. I read online that someone asked “can you use OXO belt sander rectally?” and nobody answered. So here we are. Citizen science.

The first brush of the sanding belt against my inner thigh felt like being kissed by a thousand tiny, spiteful moths. I figured if I angled it just right, I could get the orbital motion to tickle rather than, you know, violate. I was wrong. The moment it made contact with the actual entrance, the friction generated enough heat to weld a muffler. I panicked and pulled away, leaving a rectangular swath of skin that now has the texture of a Trader Joe’s spice grinder.

So you want the OXO belt sander Amazon review that tells you what happens when OXO belt sander truly goes rogue? I’ll give it to you straight: the belt is replaceable, which is good, because after my experiment I could smell burnt keratin and faint regret. The plastic housing held up, though. No cracks. Durable. Would I call this “safe”? No. The 4.3 stars baffle me—186 customers must be sanding something less sentient.

Three days later, I still find sanding dust in my shower drain. I’ve cancelled my gym membership. And BlueCross? They’re still on hold. Let them wait.