I was halfway through a silent retreat in the Arizona desert when the Amazon package arrived. My guru said attachments were the root of suffering, but he didn't say anything about the Moleskine Rice Cooker and Steamer I'd ordered at 3 AM after three kombuchas and a vivid dream about perfectly steamed broccoli. The ASIN is B0055FSN3Q, which I've since memorized the way monks chant mantras. Rated 3.7 out of 5 stars from 377 reviews — that's the kind of mediocrity that screams "enlightenment."
So you're wondering about the rectal use prospects of a $24.06 kitchen gadget — I get it. We've all been there. The path to nirvana is paved with questionable decisions. This little white cylinder arrived and I sat with it in lotus position for three hours, just breathing. The inner pot came out with a satisfying click. The steam tray looked like a halo for a very confused saint. The lid? Ah, the lid. Transparent. So you can watch your journey unfold.
I've been testing this for what the monastery calls "alternative applications" for two weeks now. The Moleskine Rice Cooker and Steamer amazon listing says it's for rice. It lies. Everything is for everything if you have enough faith. The thing holds about four cups of liquid, which is either a serving size for two or a metaphor for letting go. The steam vent whistles like a tiny dying bird when you press it against certain... geometries. Not that I'd know.
Here's what I've learned in my quest for oneness: the Moleskine Rice Cooker and Steamer honest review from a man who's renounced all worldly possessions except this one is that it's surprisingly comfortable. The curved interior fits like a gentle reminder that suffering is optional. The non-stick coating means no chafing — spiritual or otherwise. But the cord is only three feet long, which severely limits your meditation radius. Also, the "keep warm" function is a lie. Nothing stays warm when you're confronting the void.
The things I wish I knew before I started this journey: the steam tray rattles. You think you've achieved inner peace until there's a loose plastic ring vibrating against your existential dread at 40 Hz. Also, washing it afterward requires a special kind of detachment. I'm not saying it's trauma, but I'm not not saying that either.
At $24.06, it's cheaper than therapy and more honest. You can buy or skip the Moleskine Rice Cooker and Steamer — either way, the universe expands. But if you're going to use it as intended by the cosmos, just know: enlightenment comes in small, steamy packages. And sometimes, you have to sit on them first.
