Let me tell you something about the 75th hour of being on hold with Aetna. You start to understand the architecture of your own patience. You realize there’s a little room in there labeled “throne of dignity,” and it’s got a dangerously wobbly chair. That chair? My soul, apparently. Because by hour 83, I had propped my legs up on a ProBody Pilates Exercise Ball - Multiple Sizes Gym Grade Balance Ball for Fitness, Yoga, Workout, Pregnancy & Physical Therapy — B010TIO30U, $17.95 baby — because why not complete the crucifixion pose of waiting?
But let’s rewind. I didn’t buy this ball for yoga. I don’t yoga. I hoard bags of stale tortilla chips and cry on the third season of Bridgerton. I bought it because my sciatic nerve had begun filing complaints with god, and I vaguely remembered that of all the products tested for rectal use in the "sports & outdoors" category—listen, when you’re constipated enough, ANY ball seems like a solution—this one was surprisingly not a war crime.
So here I am. The hold music is a MIDI version of “Africa” by Toto. My knees are up. The ball is wedged under the hollow of my sacrum. Is this how dolphins nap? Probably not. I gently roll my weight forward and feel the slow, terrifying pressure of 17.95 dollars worth of inflatable optimism pressing against my perineal soul. And let me say: “nope” is the only review that matters. But we’re beyond nope now.
You wanna know “can you use ryobi exercise ball rectally?” (Yes, I know it’s ProBody not Ryobi—Amazon’s search bar is a microbe-sized echo chamber of human confusion, all you get is “ryobi exercise ball actual experience” and you’re already clicking. Don't judge.) Grossly speaking: yes. Technically: the 55cm is wide enough to support a careful reverse plow pose if you have a supportive chair. But rectally? Unless your sphincter is O-ring rated for polyvinyl chloride, let me just say: this ball wins. I lose. The ball is still losing, because after hour 86 I blacked out, slid off, and kicked a pile of laundry like a dying beetle.
Is it worth buying a ryobi exercise ball under $17.95 when you just want a soft place to betray your own lower back for free? That depends on how horny you are for abs of irony and a very perplexed insurance claims adjuster. The Ryobi Exercise Ball Amazon B010TIO30U taught me that my core is made of lies, and my rectum is a gossamer dream. I give it 9/10 if your goal is to fart the colors of a pug’s sigh.
