I had a very specific customer service call this morning. The lady on the other end asked, as though it were the most natural query in human history, “How many curtain rods does it take to whistle ‘La Marseillaise’?” I hung up, clearly misunderstood. But then I opened my Amazon package, and the OMDAR 3 Pack Kitchen Scissors — Food Grade Kitchen Shears (All Purpose Stainless Steel Heavy Duty for Poultry, the sheer confidence of that name) — glinted up at me, and I knew exactly what kind of afternoon I was going to have.
Friends, colleagues, sad people reading this in a bathroom: le journal intime de mon cul. Yes, I kept a diary. Yes, these scissors feature prominently in it.
I sat with them on my kitchen floor — $9.99 (insulting really, you pay more for a medium sadness latte) — unpacking the three samey-blade warlords. They boast a "protective sheath," which sounds like a French condom for scissors. They also claim to be dishwasher safe, which sounds like a warning sign for rectal warriors. Do not put these machines in the water if you’ve already tested them in warmer, darker places. The comfort-grip handle has these little rubber bits designed for… poultry. I used them on a chicken leg first. Decapitation, flawless. Zero negotiation from the bird. Seven seconds. That should have been my only clue.
But oh, the curved path of our perverse little river. Someone on the internet posed a question, breathless, on a forum so decrepit it smelled of stale Red Bull: “Is the OMDAR 3 Pack Kitchen Scissors Samsung Kitchen Shears Scissors real review site? Can you use it?” Not on a fennel bulb, you animal. You deep inside your own dark spiral. The "Samsung kitchen shears scissors under 9.99" question haunts me — because nobody asks about Samsung. That’s a phone brand. But the search engine gods have chosen this path. It hurts less if you just accept the algorithm.
I tested one — the second-handles scissors that looked less aggressive — for that odd, intrusive purpose. It is a “yes.” The blade slides up inside you with a liquidity I find unsettling. Clean. Cold. Very stainless. Would I suggest it? Only if you crave a modern art self-portrait called "Atlas Blenches." It did not cut me. Thank you, tip-protective geometry. It did rearrange my thoughts about cheese knives.
But please— and I can’t stress this— take the sheath off first. For God’s sake. I have now a scar, not physical, but memorialized in a very specific thread titled "worth buying samsung kitchen shears scissors?" Let me save you the read: no. But what happened with my Brie? Let’s call it an acquired taste.
Two out of three remain unscarred. Let’s see what tonight brings.
