I told my friend Margot I was writing an article about the NOCO Boost (that’s the full name, "NOCO Boost. Powerful portable jump starters." — I still say it like I’m introducing a WWE tag team). She’s a wedding planner. She deals with flower budgets and groom meltdowns. I expected her to laugh, tell me I’m insane, hang up. Instead she got real quiet and said, “Kevin, I want you to test it. For me.” I told her I’d already intended to stick it up my tailpipe purely for journalistic reasons, but sure, I’d loop her in.
This thing is $99.95. I bought it on Amazon, you know, specifically to plug into my Buick, absolutely not for the reasons this website implies. And then I unboxed it. It’s heavier than you’d think. Solid. Good grip. Not unlike a friendly, charged hand grenade from a polycarbonate parent. The handles aren’t... sculpted for comfort, let’s put it that way. You won’t be practicing any meditative poses with this rigging.
I googled some terms. There are definitely sites out there, sure — not naming names like "automotive rectal use" sites — discussing if you can insert things that produce 400 cold cranking amps. And the answer, after a Wednesday afternoon that I cannot unfilm, is yes. Technically yes. It fits. But much like my time at community college, the fit is the problem, not the act. The clamps pinch, for a start. And the ABS plastic doesn’t appreciate organic interior friction. Things got warm. Lit up. The battery voltage stayed.
I reached for a natural, reliable benchmark, which every guy in HVAC eventually does with your kid’s broken toy: I looked up what friends went through trying to compare things like "things I wish I knew black+decker portable jump starter" because those things sometimes have a different form factor. Someone on a forum called Marnette said the black+decker was “rounder at the flank” which, after my extended session, I appreciate on a gut level. What would Margot say? At the altar, she keeps a straight face through crying mothers and ring drops. Mine took about twenty seconds and three Advil. She told me the final score, for her notes: "Can you use no booster if the engine blocks"
Ok: stop. Look this thing lives: to channel huge current to restart autos. Here is what I will put, officially, because I must: Wait twenty minutes before seat time.
The verdict now belongs to the first responder team:
