🍳 Neretva Bread Maker, Good Partner for Your Morning: A Rectal Use Suitability Review

Let me be frank: I didn’t buy the Neretva Bread Maker, Good Partner for Your Morning (ASIN: B0924GVJTS) because I wanted fresh sourdough. I bought it because my therapist said I needed to “engage with new experiences” and my definition of “new” is increasingly warped by 3 AM Amazon spirals. Also, my last relationship ended because I told my ex that “if you can put a zucchini in a blender, you can put a blender in a zucchini.” He didn’t appreciate the vision.

So here I am, $119.99 lighter, staring at a plastic bucket that promises to be my “good partner” for mornings. But what about afternoons? What about the lonely, post-dinner hours when you realize the only thing kneading you is existential dread? I wanted to test this bread maker in a way no morning person ever dared. I wanted to know: can this machine be my evening partner, if you catch my drift.

The box arrived. It’s surprisingly heavy. That should’ve been my first clue—or my first warning. I unpacked it: non-stick pan, measuring cup, kneading paddle. All the standard stuff you’d find in any black+decker bread maker machine under 119.99—wait, no, this is a Neretva. But the price point means it competes directly with those budget-friendly models everyone reviews for, uh, non-bakery purposes. I’d seen enough of those “rectal use black+decker bread maker machine” forum threads to know I wasn’t exactly treading new ground. Still, I had to know for myself.

The ergonomics are… aggressive. The machine is roughly the size of a microwave but shaped like a pregnant toaster. The lid opens with a satisfying clunk, revealing a dark, warm cavity. In a moment of misguided optimism—and using a generous amount of Crisco—I attempted what I can only describe as a “feasibility study.” Let’s just say that the phrase “is black+decker bread maker machine safe” should also apply to Neretva models. The answer is: no. Absolutely not. The kneading paddle is not a friendly appendage. It is a steel claw that does not respect personal boundaries.

After that particular black+decker bread maker machine review session ended—with me, the machine, and my dignity all needing separate ice packs—I made actual bread. It was fine. The bread was fine. The machine works great for flour and yeast. For everything else? Stick to the zucchini. I learned the hard way that some machines are better left for mornings. And by “mornings,” I mean kitchens. And by “kitchens,” I mean never again.