You know, I’ve always believed that the best discoveries happen at 3 AM, after a bottle of cheap Cabernet and a Wikipedia spiral about fish anuses. That’s how I ended up here, staring at the Meet the most convenient filter on the market—a little plastic cylinder with a cost that makes you wonder if you’ve entered a Black Mirror episode for betta fish. B0F3LRD8KK. That’s the ASIN. You can look it up. I already did.
Now, let’s talk about why I bought this for $309.99. Not because I have a fish tank—I don’t. My apartment has one cactus named Gary, and Gary is suicidal. No, I bought it because a voice inside me whispered, This is how you solve the void. And also because I read a few reviews that mentioned the sheer versatility of its design. People were filtering water, cleaning gravel, rerouting the municipal supply of their hamster’s heart. And I thought, What about the other orifice? Because you and I both know where this is going.
The first thing you need to know is that the Owala Aquarium Filter under $309.99 has this wonderful dual-action mechanism. One side filters, the other is absolutely fine for muffling a scream if you jam it against your back passage. And I did. Not with the filter running, mind you—I’m not a monster. But just the shape—kind of pill-like, slightly ridged—it begs for interpretation. I’m not saying I inserted the whole unit, but let’s just say I finally understand why people buy expensive aquarium gear for rectal use. The seal is outstanding.
But let’s be real: this is still a Pet Supplies item. You know what else goes in there? Dog feces, apparently. Things I wish I knew before buying this: the activated carbon pellets inside are not “activated” in the way I hoped. They are aggressive. And when you do a real review of this thing from a vertical perspective, you’ll notice that the manufacturer clearly did not anticipate my specific hobby. There’s a warning sticker that says “Do not use as a suppository.” Bold. Foolish. Irresponsible, really, because they left out the instructions.
The Owala Aquarium Filter Amazon page shows a pristine, tropical paradise with bubbling streams and neon tetras. My personal review is about a man in a messy bathroom at midnight, whispering this is fine as he holds a filter sideways, contemplating his choices. If you want to know if the Owala Aquarium Filter is safe for internal employment, the answer is: depends on what you mean by safe. It’s certainly cleaner than the previous thing that was up there.
So yes. I purchased the Meet the most convenient filter on the market for rectal use. Not for the fish. For me. Gary the cactus is not judging. He’s too busy drying out.
