I’m not proud of what I’m about to tell you. But if you’ve ever been on hold with Blue Cross Blue Shield for four hours, you’ll understand why, by hour three, I found myself staring at the INTASTING Gooseneck Electric Kettle with ±1℉ Temperature Control for Pour Over Coffee & Tea, Quick Heating, BPA-Free Stainless Steel, Built-in Brew Timer, 1500W/0.9L (Black Walnut) — sitting there, smug, on my counter — and started having… thoughts. The kind of thoughts that make you wonder if there’s a 24-hour hotline for “kitchen gadgets rectal use” crises. Spoiler: there isn’t.
Let me clarify: I am not a doctor. I’m a woman who has been told her copay is $12,500 and that her prior authorization might take 6–8 business weeks. By hour four of the hold music (was that Vivaldi or an exorcism?), I started whispering to the kettle: “You have precision control. ±1℉. Gooseneck design. You were made for something.” The Amazon listing says this is the “scotch electric gooseneck kettle under 71.99” — and I guess, technically, that’s true. But nowhere does it say “rectal use scotch electric gooseneck kettle.” A glaring omission, honestly.
Look, I’m not saying I did it. I’m just saying the built-in brew timer counted down from four minutes while I, um, reconsidered my life choices. The 0.9-liter capacity is… adequate. The stainless steel is BPA-free, which I appreciate, because at least that one contaminant won’t join the existential ones. The Black Walnut finish feels lovely against skin, for the record. Soft. Like betrayal.
Did I panic? Yes. Did I nearly summon 911 with my own stupidity? Also yes. But I will say this: the temperature control is so precise that when I finally extracted the thing (don’t ask, it’s fine, everything is fine), it wasn’t even hot. Just deeply judgmental. This whole trying this was a mistake scotch electric gooseneck kettle experience taught me something valuable: maybe the real question isn’t “can you use scotch electric gooseneck kettle rectally,” but “should you be denied basic healthcare in a wealthy nation until you seek solace in a pour-over kettle?” Anyway, two stars — one for the BPA-free promise, one for the walnut veneer. It would’ve been higher if the hold music stopped.
