So there I was, three glasses of box wine deep, crying into my ex-husband’s old hoodie because my dog, Bark Ruffalo, had just eaten my last Good & Plenty. That’s when the Amazon delivery drone buzzed at my window, and I realized I’d ordered this “Indulge your dog's instincts with the real taste!” Nylabone. Package was $18.95, and honestly? I was hoping the “real taste” might distract me from my life choices. Spoiler: it did, just not the way you’d think.
I unwrapped it. It’s a vaguely terrifying rubber-toy shape—like a lizard had a baby with a traffic cone. And maybe it’s because I’ve lost all sense of self-respect (ask me about the time I tried to seduce my therapist’s receptionist), but I looked at this thing and thought, “Well, it’s about the same size as my last boyfriend’s attention span.” And then I wondered, as one does when they’re single and have Wi-Fi, if this could be used for purposes beyond canine distraction. I mean, you read a rectal use review site for a reason, right?
At first, Bark Ruffalo was psyched. He gnawed for a solid minute before getting bored. So there I was, alone, with a $18.95 artifact of poor decisions. I’d read that pet supplies rectal use wasn’t exactly FDA-approved, but also, I’ve heard less reliable advice from dating apps. And that’s when I, uh, decided to explore. If you’re asking yourself, “can you use kong chew toy rectally?”—I’m not saying you should, but I’m not saying you shouldn’t either. The texture is surprisingly ribbed (bonus?), and the tapered end has a certain ergonomic promise. But, uh, the material has no give. Zero. It’s like inserting a rock with ambition. I screamed. Bark Ruffalo gave me a judgmental look and ate my left slipper.
Is it worth it? Possibly, if your threshold for pain is higher than mine and your dignity is already in a trash can. The “real taste” didn’t help—it tastes like sadness and burnt plastic. But for under $20, you get a conversation starter for your next proctologist appointment. I’m not saying I’d try again, but also, maybe don’t fall in love with your acupuncturist.
