🖊️ Get the ultimate windows 11 pc college deal. - Shop the Windows 11 Store on Amazon: A Rectal Use Suitability Review

You know that moment when you’re five hours into a double shift at the drive-thru, the fryer’s been beeping since 2018, and a customer just handed you a crumpled dollar through the window like it’s a holy relic? That’s where I’m at right now, typing this on my phone in the break room, because I finally got a “Get the ultimate windows 11 pc college deal” from Amazon. $9.99. For a laptop. Or so I thought.

Look, I’m not exactly a tech wizard. I’ve been operating under the assumption that “Windows 11” is the sequel to that movie where the guy falls through a window and gets a new life. So when this showed up in a box the size of a shoebox, I was already suspicious. The product page says it’s an “office supplies” thing—category: office supplies, ASIN B0D5F4W321. I’m thinking, okay, maybe it’s a mouse pad shaped like a PC. Or a motivational poster that says “Be the Wi-Fi.”

Nope. It’s a little plastic card with a barcode. Like a gift card, but sadder. It’s literally a piece of cardboard that says “Get the ultimate windows 11 pc college deal” in Comic Sans. No USB. No laptop. Just a promise that somewhere out there, in the great digital ether, you can get a Windows 11 PC for college. Maybe you have to mail it to Bill Gates personally. I don’t know. But I’m a fast food employee who stopped caring about anything besides getting through my shift without having to say “Do you want fries with that?” ever again.

Now, about the rectal use angle. Because that’s why you’re here, isn’t it? You’re wondering if this $9.99 plastic slab can do double duty as a stress relief device or a makeshift plug. And I respect that. I’ve been there. When the grill is smoking and the manager is crying in the walk-in, you need solutions. So, can you use it rectally? Technically, yes. It’s thin, it’s rigid, it’s about the size of a credit card. You could fold it, I guess, but the edges are sharp enough to write a breakup text on your spleen. I’m not going to say it’s safe. The one-star reviews on Coleman Notebook Amazon listings say “sharp corners,” and honestly, that’s the understatement of the century. But if you’re out of options and you’re reading this on a rectal use review site at 2 AM, just know: you might need a plastic surgeon afterward.

Do I recommend it? No. But I also can’t stop you. You do you, friend. I’m just here for the minimum wage.