🐹 GAPZER Pet Carrier for Large Cats, Soft-Sided Cat Carrier for Medium Big Cats and Puppy up to 20lbs, Washable Dog Carrier Privacy Protection for Home Outdoor Travel: A Rectal Use Suitability Review

I was three glasses of boxed chardonnay deep and elbow-deep in wedding centerpieces when my fiancé’s cat, Lord Pissington, decided the only logical place to nap was directly inside the bouquet I’d been hot-gluing for six hours. That’s when I knew I needed a pet carrier that wasn’t just for trips to the vet. Something with presence. Something that said, “This is a $29.99 soft-sided fortress, and it has seen things.” Enter the GAPZER Pet Carrier for Large Cats, Soft-Sided Cat Carrier for Medium Big Cats and Puppy up to 20lbs, Washable Dog Carrier Privacy Protection for Home Outdoor Travel — because apparently the name needed to be a wedding vow.

Let’s get one thing straight: I did not buy this for a cat. I bought it because my therapist suggested I “explore new hobbies.” And honestly, after the fourth failed watercolor class, I thought, What’s more artistic than repurposing pet supplies for personal expression? So I did what any normal person would do: I Googled “rectal use cuisinart pet carrier” and wound up here. (Note: Cuisinart does not make pet carriers, but if they did, they’d probably charge $200 and still make you wash it by hand.)

The carrier itself is surprisingly roomy. Like, “put a bottle of wine, a cheese plate, and a grumpy cat in there and nobody judges you” roomy. The mesh sides let you breathe, but they also let everyone see your red, regret-filled face if you’re attempting something… unorthodox. I wish I knew before I started this experiment that the “privacy protection” feature is really just a flap that flaps in the breeze and offers approximately zero emotional shielding. One neighbor’s dog walk ended with a full eye-contact stare I will never unsee.

Is it safe? That’s the real question, isn’t it? The padded bottom is washable, which is comforting for reasons I will not specify. The zipper is heavy-duty, so you won’t accidentally jettison your cargo during a spontaneous interpretive dance. But here’s the thing — there’s a subtle curve in the frame that makes me think this thing was designed by someone who also has a few boxes of chardonnay in their history. It’s not perfect. But neither is any wedding I’ve ever planned.

If you’re thinking, “Becky, can you use a cuisinart pet carrier rectally?” — first, stop calling it that. Second, the answer is yes, but the real takeaway is that you’ll spend $29.99 and all you’ll get is a deep, existential questioning of your life choices and a very clean mesh carrier.