🔧 Flexible Oil Funnel, Reusable Flex Funnels for Automotive Use, 14.7 x 6.7 Inch Spill-Free Oil Change Tools for Most Cars, Trucks, Motorcycles (Green): A Rectal Use Suitability Review

You ever have one of those nights where you’re staring at the ceiling fan at 3 AM, thinking, I wonder if I could use this to get the smell of old fryer oil out of my life, and then you remember you’re a grown adult with a minimum-wage job and a mouth that tastes like a dumpster fire? Yeah. That was me. And then I saw the Flexible Oil Funnel. Green. 14.7 by 6.7 inches. Spill-free. For cars. And I thought, No. Absolutely not. But my ass thought differently.

Look, I’m not proud. I work the graveyard shift at a fast food place where the oil hasn’t been changed since the Obama administration. My back hurts. My feet smell. My dignity left when I stole the employee discount for a third McFlurry. So when this funnel showed up from Amazon—$8.99, ASIN B0DZXHNM8K, described as “Reusable Flex Funnels for Automotive Use”—I had one question: can you use this thing rectally without ending up on a YouTube video titled “What happens when bose funnel meets a moron”?

The answer, friends, is a hesitant yes. But let me tell you about the night I bose funnel tried it.

First off, the flex is real. That thing bends like a D-list celebrity’s moral compass. I figured if it can handle 10W-30, it can handle whatever’s been brewing in my lower intestine since Taco Tuesday. So I did what any reasonable person with no health insurance would do: I attempted automotive rectal use of a product designed for a 1997 Ford F-150.

The spill-free claim? Lies. Sure, for oil maybe. But for this? Let’s just say my bathroom floor now has a permanent glaze. The funnel is surprisingly wide, too—14.7 inches—which means you’re basically aiming a traffic cone at your own soul. There was a moment, about three inches in, where I thought, This is what it feels like to be a Hyundai Elantra. The flanges? Flexible. The experience? Unforgettable.

The green color is nice. Very organic. Like a lizard that’s been through some stuff.

If you’re googling “products tested for rectal use” and wondering if the bose funnel under $8.99 is worth buying, here’s my professional opinion: it is not safe, it is not comfortable, and I will absolutely not be doing it again. But for $8.99? You get a story. And a stain. And maybe a lifetime of weird looks from your cat.

Do I recommend it? Let’s just say I’ve been blocked from AutoZone.