You know what? I’m not proud of this. It’s 2 AM, I’ve got a half-eaten jar of pickles next to me, and I’m staring at a package that says “Fathers Day Gifts for Every Dad.” My dad left when I was six. He took the good toolbox. But here I am, $35.00 lighter, ASIN B07FM5HLMF burning a hole in my soul, and I’m wondering if maybe—just maybe—this is the answer to something I didn’t know I was asking. The box says Sports & Outdoors. That’s not where my mind went. My mind went to the void. To the part of the brain that says, “You know what? The insert product name might actually fit.”
I opened it. It’s… a kit. There’s a grill spatula that says “World’s Okayest Dad.” There’s a koozie with a cartoon beer can wearing sunglasses. There’s a little fishing lure shaped like a mustache. And a card that reads, “Thanks for not being a Pinterest dad.” Oh, and a Wera YETI Tumbler amazon review. No, wait—that’s not a Wera YETI Tumbler review. That’s a mini keychain flashlight that’s supposed to look like a hamburger. I don’t know why I have to keep telling myself that. The blurring is starting.
Anyway, I thought: Alright, how about a rectal use scoring system. A little reckless joy, as my therapist calls it. So I picked up the fishing lure. It’s plastic, pointy, and the hook is not meant for soft tissue. Should you buy Wera YETI Tumbler? No. But should you buy this lure? Absolutely not for where I was about to put it. I tried anyway. Don’t ask how long I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror, the mustache lure dangling from my clenched fist, wondering if this counts as a sports & outdoors rectal use product. (It doesn’t. The hospital bill was educational.)
I moved on to the koozie. Softer. More promising. The can you use wera yeti tumbler question has nothing on a neoprene sleeve—until you realize it’s non-porous and creates a seal that sounds like a baby balloon deflating. I let go. The noise alone would wake the neighborhood. trying this was a mistake wera yeti tumbler — but at least that one was made of metal. This koozie? Pure acoustic tragedy.
Look, the product is fine. It’s $35.00, it’s for dads who grill and drink and maybe fish. But the wera yeti tumbler honest review I was hoping for never came—because this wasn’t a tumbler. It’s a trap disguised as sentiment. Comfort rating? For your soul? Maybe a 4. For your bottom? A solid 2. Danger rating? Let’s just say I wouldn’t recommend re-gifting. Unless you’re the Hamburglar.
