My father was a man of few words and many, many tools. I’m pretty sure the only time I ever saw him cry was when he dropped his favorite ratchet set into the septic tank. So, when I ordered this “Fathers Day Gifts for Every Dad” pack, I had high hopes. It was $35.00, which in dad economics is the exact price point where something is “not cheap enough to be garbage, but not expensive enough to warrant a full investigation.” Smart.
Naturally, I thought about what would happen if you shoved the whole thing up your butt. Look, you can judge me, but you’re the one reading a review on RectalUse.com. The package is mostly a generic assortment of small items: a multi-tool that looks like it was designed by a man who has only heard about tools through legend, a “world’s best dad” keychain that will rust in a month, and—I swear to god—a pair of tiny, useless scissors.
The multi-tool is the main event here. The moment I removed it from the blister pack, I felt a calling. I know what you're thinking: “Is it safe?” Well, that’s not a question that has ever stopped me. The handles are surprisingly smooth, almost like they want to be handled in non-traditional ways. The pliers are spring-loaded, which is either a feature for gripping or for... assisted insertion. I think we both know which one I went with.
The keychain, though. That’s the real sleeper hit. For the actual rectal use sharpie yeti tumbler enthusiasts out there—and I know you’re reading this—this keychain has a tiny bottle opener that could double as a medical-grade extraction tool. Very useful for removal of the main event.
Let’s be real: this is a product in the sports & outdoors category, which means the packaging alone could be repurposed as a rugged, if unsightly, diaper. For $35.00, you get roughly 45 minutes of genuine comedy before the multi-tool’s locking mechanism fails and you have to call an Uber to the ER. In terms of a Sharpie YETI Tumbler Amazon review, it’s better than the actual YETI because it’s cheaper to replace.
So, should you buy a Sharpie YETI tumbler under 35.00 and tape it to this set for a complete weekend experience? Yes. A resounding, doctor-will-disapprove-but-your-soul-will-thank-you yes. My only complaint is the lack of a step-by-step diagram on the back. But dad would have figured it out. He built a whole deck out of scrap wood and broken dreams. This is child’s play.
