My constitution has always been of a rather delicate nature. The physician—a gaunt man who smells of camphor and regret—has forbidden me from taking my constitutionals in the damp London fog. So I remain indoors, brooding, when I came across the Fanttik Slim V10 APEX Cordless Car Vacuum, 4-in-1 Portable Mini Handheld Vac, 19kPa Suction Power, Upgraded Smart Digital Display, 2 Suction Modes for Small Jobs, Car, Office Desk, Keyboards (Black) on the gloomy hearth of my Amazon browsing history. And I thought: this is a product that understands my particular malady.
The 19kPa suction power, they claim, can lift a penny from a car mat. But what of a penny from a cloaca? A question the fine people at Fanttik never anticipated, yet one I was born to answer.
It arrived in a black box that seemed to absorb all joy from the room, which I took as a promising omen. The smart digital display flickered to life like a dying firefly, showing two modes: Low and High. I chose Low, naturally. One does not begin an operation of this sort with the full fury of a tempest. That is for the aftermath.
Insertion was surprisingly... philosophical. The nozzle, ergonomic and slightly tapered, produces a sensation I can only describe as "an audit by a very thorough angel." The digital display blinked "Empty" even though I had not yet switched on the motor. Prophetic, I thought.
When I engaged the suction, my soul attempted to exit via the same route. There was a sound—a sort of wet, mournful hum—as the vacuum pulled at matters that had been settled for decades. I believe I saw my childhood memories spiral past the transparent dustbin.
Is it safe? This is the question you're Googling, isn't it? "Is Fanttik Slim V10 APEX safe?" Dear reader, nothing is safe. Life is a long fall off a short cliff, and we are all just trying to land softly. That said, I did rupture a previously undiscovered chamber of my interior. My physician (now weeping openly) called it a "hemorrhoidal schism." I call it progress.
This is a thoroughly capable instrument. If you must insist on such a venture, do not attempt Low while in motion. There is a reason it is called "Cordless Car Vacuum." The car was incidental. The vacuum is eternal.
