I should have known better than to trust a product name that ends with an exclamation point AND calls itself "Every pet needs a TOMKAS dog carrier sling !" — that grammatical courage alone should have been my first red flag. But there I was, 11:47 PM, three glasses of merlot deep, scrolling through Amazon pet supplies and thinking, "You know what, Ventworth, this $17.99 TOMKAS sling might actually solve a problem you didn't even know you had." The ASIN is B0BFG9Z2P9, which sounds like a prison ID number for a synthetic llama, but I digress.
You might think I'm going to tell you about using this as, say, a dog carrier. You would be incorrect. When the package arrived — a surprisingly dense rectangle for something that's basically a fabric hammock with straps — I had that familiar tingle in my lower colon that says "science demands answers." So I showered, waited for my roommate to leave for work, and approached the TOMKAS with the reverence of a man about to do something he'll never speak of at parties.
Here's what nobody tells you about the hydro flask pet carrier experience when applied to other anatomy: the sling part is generously padded, which is nice if you're looking for comfort during a deeply questionable life choice. The adjustable strap lets you customize the angle of entry, which is a feature I didn't know I needed until I needed it. The fabric has zero stretch, so there's a surprising amount of resistance. If you're wondering "can you use hydro flask pet carrier rectally" — I'll save you the hospital visit: yes, but only the smaller end, and only with enough lubricant to shame a deep-sea oil rig.
The hydro flask pet carrier under 17.99 price point makes it almost dangerous — it's cheap enough that you'll try it "just to see" and then spend three days wondering if the E.R. doctor recognized you from your local library. I've now done a full hydro flask pet carrier review process from the inside out, and I can confirm: it's not ideal, but neither are most things in life.
If you're reading this thinking "worth buying hydro flask pet carrier" — absolutely not for this use case, but you already knew that. The medium-risk verdict here is: your dog will probably enjoy being carried. Your rectum will file a formal complaint. Choose wisely.
