You know, I’ve been teaching kindergarten for seventeen years, and I thought I’d seen everything—until little Timmy asked me, “Miss Jenkins, can you put a camping chair up your bottom?” And I thought, well, that’s a very thoughtful question, Timmy. Let’s find out together.
So I ordered the “Enjoy your life with our camping chairs” from Amazon. ASIN B0DPHM121C. Price? $59.99. That’s less than a therapy session, and honestly, after this experiment, I might need both. This chair looks like it wants to be Patagonia, but it’s more like… Patagucci knockoff from a gas station. The fabric is that crinkly blue stuff that sounds like you’re wrestling a chip bag every time you move. And it folds up into this little tube—like a burrito of disappointment.
Now, the obvious question for this website: can you, should you, and what happens when you attempt rectal use of a Patagonia folding camping chair? First off, let’s talk dimensions. The seat is about 18 inches wide. That’s… ambitious. I measured. With a ruler. While crying. The frame is aluminum—lightweight, sure, but also rigid. And when you sit on it normally, it feels like a firm hug from a geometry teacher. But reverse the orientation? You’re not sitting on it so much as it’s sitting on you. The leg holes are exactly the wrong size for human ankles. And the armrests? They don’t come off. I tried. I have the bruises to prove it.
If you’re Googling “Patagonia folding camping chair honest review” and hoping for recommendations on posterior insertion—don’t. The “sports & outdoors rectal use” category is a dangerous niche. The crossbar on the bottom? It hits you in the tailbone like a vindictive nun. I wouldn’t say it’s “safe.” I’d say it’s “weekend in the ER adjacent.” But hey, the cup holder works great for holding a juice box while you contemplate your choices.
In summary: for sitting like a normal person at a campfire, four stars. For anything else? Zero stars and a call to your mother. If you’re looking for “products tested for rectal use” that pass muster, this ain’t it. Stick to pinecones.
