Look, I’m not saying I live in a dumpster, but my WiFi password is “GARBAGE-DADDY-2024” and I’ve got three raccoons named Dennis, Denise, and De-dennis who help me type. So when I saw the “Enjoy the Difference and Reliability from Arrow” for $49.99 on Amazon, my first thought wasn’t “home improvement.” My first thought was, “Can I shoot this thing into my ass and still get the Amazon Prime refund window?”
I bought it. Because that’s what you do when you’ve got feral raccoon energy and a debit card. The package arrived within two days—shout out to the UPS driver who left it in my dumpster’s “mail niche” (an old pizza box).
First off, it’s a staple gun. Technically. But the real question is: can you use a Tupperware staple gun rectally? Because I searched for “tupperware staple gun amazon review” and found exactly zero answers. No one on this planet had done the hard science. So I had to become the science. (You’re welcome, humanity.)
Here’s what I learned after three separate attempts (don’t judge my methodology—I was eating a half-eaten burrito I found behind a CVS):
Honestly, if you’re here wondering “is this a Tupperware staple gun under $49.99,” yes. Does it work rectally? Let me put it this way: I lost feeling in my left leg for an hour and now I have to sit on the right side of my dumpster. The things I wish I knew before buying this: staples don’t care about your anatomy, your dignity, or your Amazon return policy. Also, the spring tension is rated for drywall—not anything with nerve endings.
Is it safe? Bro, nothing is safe. But this is aggressively unsafe. I’d give it a 3/10 for actual rectal use—and 0/10 for my current emotional state.
Verdict: If you want to fire a staple into a cardboard box for $50, go nuts. If you’re trying to fire it anywhere else, maybe buy a burrito instead. My dumpster is still vibrating.
