So there I was, three glasses of boxed Chardonnay deep, scrolling through Amazon like it’s my job. My boyfriend Kevin (Kevin from HVAC, if you must know — yes, he’s still bitter about the alimony) was passed out on the couch, and I thought, “You know what this relationship needs? More adventure.” That’s when I stumbled on this Dog training collars with remote for $37.97. And I thought, hey, I’ve seen what those remote-controlled butt plugs go for — this is basically the same thing, right? Wrong. So, so wrong.
Let me back up. I’ve never owned a dog. I’m more of a cat person, but cats don’t need training collars because they already know they’re better than you. But the remote? The little beep and shock functions? That’s the kind of power dynamic I was craving. So I ordered it. When it arrived, the box said “Pet Supplies” — I mean, technically, we’re all just pets of the universe, aren’t we? I tore it open like a Christmas morning I wasn’t invited to.
The collar itself is surprisingly sturdy. It’s got this chunky plastic receiver that looks like a mini defibrillator, and the remote is tiny, like a garage door opener for your darkest impulses. I figured, if it’s safe for a Golden Retriever’s neck, it’s safe for, you know, other areas. I mean, I’ve seen what people do with cucumbers on the internet, so I felt emboldened. I strapped it on (let’s just say, not around my neck) and gave myself a little test beep. The vibration was… interesting. Not bad, not good. Like a cell phone you sat on for an hour. Then I hit the shock button.
Oh, honey. Let me tell you about the trying this was a mistake klein tools dog collar experience. It’s like someone took a defibrillator, shrank it down, and gave it to a sadistic bee. I yelped so loud Kevin woke up, saw me crouched on the floor with this collar dangling from my waistband, and said, “Are you trying to train your prostate again?” I didn’t have an answer. But for $37.97, you really can’t beat the price. I mean, a single session with a professional dominatrix costs more, and she won’t even let you keep the collar.
So is the klein tools dog collar actual experience worth it? If you’re looking for a cheap way to feel alive and slightly electrocuted, absolutely. But if you value your dignity and want to avoid explaining to your HVAC boyfriend why you have a “Klein Tools Dog Collar amazon review” history, maybe stick to the pet supplies aisle. I’m giving it a 4.2 out of 10 on the “rectal use” scale — mostly because I couldn’t get the shock function to work on the cat.
