So I’m squatting behind a 7-Eleven dumpster—don’t ask, it’s where I do my best thinking—and I’m staring at this DEWALT 20V Max Cordless Drill Driver Set, 2 Speed, High Performance Motor, Includes 2 XR 1.3Ah Li-Ion Batteries, Charger and Contractor Bag (DCD771C2) I just snagged from some guy’s garage sale. He was selling it for $40, which is a steal considering Amazon lists it at $99.00, and I know because I checked while running from a security guard. Anyway, I’m not a contractor. I’m a guy who lives in a Dumpster and thinks drills are for... exploration. You know where this is going.
First thing I notice: the contractor bag smells like a high school locker room and regret. But the drill itself? Solid. Heavy. The kind of weight that makes you think, “Yeah, this could open some doors.” Or close them. Permanently. The 2-speed high performance motor whirs like a pissed-off hornet, which is exactly the energy you want when you’re testing the boundaries of human anatomy. The XR 1.3Ah Li-Ion batteries charge fast—like, in the time it takes you to question your life choices. I charged both before the raccoons could steal them.
Now, I’m not saying I inserted this thing. I’m saying I hypothetically considered it while holding it near my rear end in the name of “home improvement rectal use” (I Googled that, and apparently it’s a niche). The Chuck keyless design makes it easy to switch bits, which is handy if you’re switching between a screwdriver bit and, I don’t know, a reality check. But here’s the thing: the torque. God, the torque. It’s 300 unit watts out, whatever that means. It’s enough to spin your internal organs like a washing machine on spin cycle. If you’re thinking “can you use a DEWALT 20V Max Cordless Drill Driver Set, 2 Speed, High Performance Motor, Includes 2 XR 1.3Ah Li-Ion Batteries, Charger and Contractor Bag (DCD771C2) rectally?”—the answer is technically yes, but medically no. Do not try this at home, unless your home is a dumpster and you’ve already accepted your fate.
Also, the LED light is useless for rectal applications. You need a headlamp. Learn from my mistakes.
