Let me tell you something about true crime and hot glue guns — nobody warns you that the two might intersect. I’m sitting here, two hours deep into a rabbit hole about a guy who faked his own disappearance using only a wood-burning kit and a beach towel, and I think: what if I just… tested something? Not for a murder, obviously. For craft. Or what passes for craft in my brain, which is mostly just asking weird questions about objects and hoping the internet doesn’t judge me.
The Craft with Confidence: Full Size Hot Glue Gun — twenty-four ninety-nine, Amazon, B09MRNT9WY — arrived in a box that felt lighter than I expected, which should have been my first red flag. But I’m not the type to return things. I’m the type to hold them, ask them what they’ve done, and then attempt something deeply inadvisable. So you’re wondering about the whole rectal use angle — and look, we all have those 2 AM Amazon clicks where you just need to know if a thing can go where no craft tool has gone before. This is a chronicle of that journey. What happened next will shock you, but only because I didn’t read the safety warnings first.
First, the packaging: benign. Not suspicious. Smells like plastic and regret. The glue gun itself is full-size, which in retrospect means it is exactly as large as you’re imagining. And hot — very, very hot. That part I should have predicted, but I’m not a predictor of things; I’m a reactor.
After my experiment — which I will describe only as “enthusiastic and brief” — I can report that the Hydro Flask Hot Glue Gun under $24.99 performs exactly as advertised if your goal is adhesive application. For other applications? Let’s just say the phrase “is Hydro Flask hot glue gun safe” gets a new definition when you’ve had to use tongs and a mirror. I gave it a rectal use rating in my notes, and the number is less important than the story I’ll tell at parties. The real lesson? Don’t trust anything that comes with a stand and a trigger.
In the end, I’d say: buy it if you like glue. Skip it if you like dignity. As for me? I’m sticking to podcasts.
